How can I say what I am feeling right now. Feeling petrified, terrified or rather sad. Sometimes I feel that I don't really know myself.
What I am? I just a polytechnic student trying all my best to study and wish that I can get in to an university or study a decent part time degree which will benefit my job next time.

Life is just thwarted and meaningless.
I can't get what I want this days. Maybe it's just because I getting older now and my needs are definitely vast.
I really don't know why I am so wishy-washy, can I just make a right decision and go for it?
Nah. I can't. I will tend to think this and that, whether my decision is right or wrong.

I did cry for awhile just now. (okay, I know I am a guy and it's shameful to cry)
I can't really sleep right now. Just because I have a dream about that I was drunk, then she woke me up. I got infuriated(I think I was still drunk) and got hold both of her arms and started tearing her.

Indeed, she was tearing off away just like paper. I teared till she turns to a pile of scrambles of herself. She just there with pieces and pieces of her, she cannot talk to me anymore, gone, disappeared from my sight.

That scene was familiar, where my mum was under the white cloth on the white bed on that unbearable night. She was just there in peace, but she can't talk to me anymore and, told me stories and stories after nights and nights. I have lost my dearly mother, so I can't expect to lose her who I teared her to pieces out of my anger or anyone again.

I woke up from my dreams, sms-ed her and told her that how much I treasured her and love her. I hope she understands why.
She didn't reply, think she was too tired after doing her assignments and the lack of sleep she had this week, insomnia I think.
I really don't know what will really happen if I ever lose her.

About her, she was rather a stubborn and weak girl.

Stubborn because what ever I told her to do, which meant her well, she won't listen she would insist of her dislikes.
That's why I like to say her about not eating medicine when she was sick.
She don't like because the medicine is bitter but seeing her with pain really hurts my heart.
And those emotions are the things that I won't say it, but I know that it's important to tell someone how you feel right? But I won't. I will keep to myself, let myself be the one suffered all the sad, angers or even jealousy.

I just like to keep my mouth shut. Really tight when it comes to emotions stuff. That's myself I can't change it. That's maybe because why, I can never be a good boyfriend.
I can give you accompany, security, support and many lot things but there's something that I don't have but that is really very important to you.

But I just like her in the why she is now. Just normal. Like this..

I really treasured the time with you, cause you are always busy and it's very hard to ask you out.
Ya. Need to have the correct timing, I always got the wrong timing to ask for dates.
Dating with her on a fixed date is very impossible. And all the datings so far, were all last minute dates. I can only see her at mostly at night, on the day she will be out busy with her stuff. How I wish that I could have her for just a day. Just a day will be enough for me. 24 hours is just not enough for me to be with her.

Anything just seems alright for me. I won't say yes or no. I don't want to spoilt everything, our relationship and love. I don't wanna any things that affect it, but it out to be so.

Well, I don't know what the future gonna be like. We can be just good friends or never ever contact again. But I am still here and I will always be there for you, giving you wings to fly over your hurdles in your life, limitless happiness and my accompany that you are not alone. Wherever you go no matter how far, my love will be where you are.